Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
