Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Randomize
