When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
you have to choose: penises or morals?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
