Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
