I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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