I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
