tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
If I die, sorry about rent.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
