VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
