I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
