There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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