If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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