just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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