Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
