Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
