so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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