I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
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i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
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I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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