maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
