My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
