Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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