he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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