This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
