roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
