So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Randomize
