hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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