Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
