Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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