I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
