tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Randomize
