The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
