you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
