Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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