you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
