it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
