If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
