He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
