Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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