just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
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It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
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Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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