dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
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We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
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I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
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