Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
