Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
