They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
