Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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