Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
