literally had 100 drinks last night.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
