Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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