I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
