Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
