Four minutes until I can fart!
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
