I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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