Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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