OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
