he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
