My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
